I love the feeling of being in control… I love structure, plans and check -lists. For instance I keep track of monthly expences in three different places; on my computer, in my diary and in a notebook specifically for my finances. I make a list things I need to do during the day either in the evening before or in the morning. I have lists of larger project that I need to finish or start. I love having a general overview of what the coming week and month is going to bring.
But I also love chaos, letting go and surrendering. I love being flexible and spontanious and every day is a journey between these two opposing ways of dealing with life.
And so it is with many things for me; it is like being in a continuum -constantly moving between and trying to balance parts of me, needs, that seem to contradict each other.
Life unfolding all by it self
Woke up this morning. Angry. Frustrated. Stressed out. Exhausted. Felt like throwing in the towel, run away and let the turmoil of my life settle by itself. In my mind I went through all of the sensible things I knew I could and should do in order to help myself feel better and calmer. But the sheer thought of getting myself together and doing these things just made me even more exhausted, miserable and angry… And then this amazing thing happened – not anything grand or extraordinary – just the day unfolding all by itself. Small pieces of the puzzle falling into place – an email, a wonderful letter, precious time with a dear friend, a conversation that helped me see things clearer, an appointment with my physiotherapist that eased my physical pain and stress, conversations with other beloved people and an interesting documentary to help me reconnect with my more optimistic self… I feel very grateful towards the generous people I have in my life and the wondrous ways of the world. Sometimes I don’t have to do as much as I think I should… Life seems to take very good care of me